They say you’re never ready or that there’s no perfect time. But we were ready. I was ready. For me, when I decided I wanted to take the next giant leap off the cliff of life, my cells were super tuned in to these new feelings of eager anticipation. Not dissimilar to that of a kid at Christmas time. Imagine a ball of calmness, excitement, impatience and joy all rolled into one.

The first home pregnancy test I did was probably a little premature but I was that excited, I couldn’t help myself! Dave was away at the time so I was hoping to surprise him with some baby news when he got back. It was early in the morning and I was sitting in bed with the salt lamp on, patiently waiting for the few minutes to tick by so I could check the result.

ONE LINE ONLY.

I instantly felt a pang of disappointment but tried to push it down, knowing we could try again next month. It was after all, our very first attempt.

I pulled myself out of bed and went into the kitchen to throw it out. As I turned on the light though, just before I flung it into the recycling bin, a faint second line caught my eye. I held it up so close to my face, it was practically inside my eye ball!

There was definitely a second line there, but it was almost invisible. You can always rely on Google for some quick info, and sure enough, it confirmed that no matter how faint that second line, it almost always means you’re pregnant!

Joy. Elation. Excitement. All of the happy emotions. But also a slight reservedness, knowing I should retest in a few days just to make sure.

Dave and I put in a fair bit of groundwork to prepare for building a tiny human. As most of you know, we already live a fairly healthy life, but we wanted to make sure that our internal environments were in peak condition before we embarked on this new journey. We both undertook our 12-week Leaky Gut Protocol which was tailored to the stool tests we did. Very comprehensive and some might even say over the top, but absolutely necessary as far as we’re concerned, and something we’ll continue to do and encourage others to do in the future. Creating new life, after all, is no small feat, and something that should be approached with the utmost of care.

The health of an unborn baby is heavily determined by the health of the parents, and even the grandparents. How its immune system is initially developed after birth is also influenced by many factors that some people aren’t even aware of. But we’ll save that topic for a separate blog.

A second test confirmed that I was indeed “knocked up,” and I even did a third test a few weeks later just to triple check, because I was feeling so good. In my opinion, there’s way too much negativity around pregnancy and all the symptoms attached to it, that women go in with preconceived fears that ultimately creates more stress.

I started taking it much easier with my training sessions, which proved to be quite a challenge at first. I soon welcomed it though, especially because my work schedule at the time, with Matt and Dave both being out of the business, was particularly hectic. Daily pregnancy meditation became my time to disconnect with the world, while connecting more with myself and my developing bubba. I felt great!

We had a holiday to the Cook Islands booked at Week 7 and I thought it would be the perfect time for us to enjoy our news together and have some much needed down time. 2 weeks – just the right amount of time to relax, unwind and disconnect properly. Sleep-ins, locomotion on the beach, swimming, snorkelling and eating yummy food were all on the agenda. Sounded perfect.

When we arrived, we stayed at a resort right on the lagoon. It was magical. We were keen to get some movement into our days, but when the heavens opened on our first day, we hit up the gym to see what we could put together. We spied a lone set of dusty kettle bells in the corner so we did a KB HIIT workout that left us both breathless but feeling great. The pregnancy was on my mind but I was on holidays, away from the normal daily stressors, and so legitimised pushing harder with my training. And so these KB workouts became a regular part of our routine while we were there. We did them every other day.

The day before we left for our second destination, we hired a car and toured around the outskirts of the island and the small town centre. There was one building right in the middle of the town centre that caught my eye. It looked like a church. It had Z I O N A in massive letters written across the front. That was my mom’s name. She passed away 10 years ago and I have never seen her name written anywhere since the day she died.

Our second destination was on the main island and we chose to stay at an Eco Retreat in luxury tents. It was simple, yet beautiful. The weather however, was not so beautiful. More cyclonic, I would say. We did manage to get a Cross Island Hike in before the weather got really full on. It was pretty tough. We basically climbed to the top of the mountain.

How good’s this I thought! Here I am 8 weeks pregnant, climbing mountains and feeling great!

When we got back to our tent, I noticed that I had started spotting. A wave of dread washed over me but I tried to reassure myself it was ok, knowing a lot of women bled in the first trimester of pregnancy. But when I woke up in the middle of the night it had gotten significantly heavier.

They say that there are no mistakes in life. Only lessons. Sometimes that’s a hard pill to swallow but I think it rings true and offers a sense of hope. After our miscarriage was confirmed, there were so many emotions and thoughts running through my head. Why? How? What will people think? We’re so healthy and do all the right things. But when I found a quiet space, went introspective and really reflected back, I felt I knew in my heart what had ultimately contributed.

Although the statistics say that 30% of all first pregnancies will result in miscarriage, this doesn’t mean that it’s normal or something to be expected. In my opinion, there’s always a reason why something like that happens, even if they can’t be explained. Perhaps in some instances it really is hard to know why, but with my own personal experience I believe I know what some of the contributors were, and what I’ll do differently next time. And it taught me some humbling yet absolutely necessary lessons.

They say that there are no mistakes in life. Only lessons.

Just because I make an effort to do all the right things and take extra precautions, doesn’t mean I can take more risks or treat myself any different to how I treat my pregnant clients. I’m not invincible and the main lesson that we’ve both taken away from the experience is that being healthy doesn’t give us a green card to take chances or be cocky in our decision-making.

It was also a gentle reminder of the ego in me and that I need to learn to be okay with saying no and sitting some things out or taking it easy when it’s relevant to do so.

I long for a world where women feel excited and equipped with the right tools and information to welcome their pregnancies, births and all the ups and downs that it encompasses. This gift we’ve been given is something to be revered, respected and unequivocally empowered by. Though motherhood is not something I have experienced yet, it is definitely a journey that excites me to my core.

When we returned to Melbourne, we went to the Royal Women’s Hospital to confirm that I had in fact lost the baby. The nurse who looked after me had what sounded like a South African accent so I enquired if she was from my country of birth. After some small talk we actually discovered that she’d started her midwifery career with my mom 37 years ago in Cape Town! She was so fond of my mom and told me how much of an impact Mom had on her career and life.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mom wanted me to know she was there for me and very close by. At a time that was so emotionally charged and challenging, it brings a smile to my heart to know she made it so abundantly clear she was right by my side.

Self doubt. Something I’m sure we’ve all been familiar with at some point in our lives. That was definitely a strong emotion I experienced initially after we got home and tried to settle back into our routine. But that ship’s sailed. I know who I am. I know what I want and what I’m doing. I have an unwavering trust and passion in how we choose to go about things and the lessons I’ve learned will only strengthen that.

As a coach who always tries to lead by example and be authentic in my approach, I really struggled to be okay with not setting new goals around training and body composition once I knew I wasn’t pregnant anymore. After having a miscarriage that you believe was influenced by the TYPE of training you were doing, regardless of whether it was or not, it becomes a challenge to feel comfortable in that space again.

Feeling unsure and fearful around something I love and is a vital part of my world really floored me for a while there, but it was just another obstacle I had to overcome and a tool that would teach me yet another lesson about myself and this life.

Just to clarify, I absolutely believe that exercising during pregnancy is beneficial and necessary. It’s about listening to your body and being wise with the type of training you choose. Especially in those early stages. I know that there were some other factors at play that also contributed and ultimately led to the miscarriage, but I guess it still didn’t stop the feelings of unease and anxiousness initially. But I’m working through that, one day at a time, and keeping clear in my mind what’s most important to me right now and how to best achieve that.

Learning to be in the moment and not always planning ahead or looking to the future is something I’m still navigating and fine-tuning. I feel like I’m on a new exciting journey and my sense of purpose is profound and clear. Sometimes it’s our biggest trials and tribulations that set us on a slightly new path and I know this is only the beginning of something big and beautiful.

And just for the record, we’re expecting our first tiny human in Feb 2018 and I’m feeling amazing!

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